Post-Dramatic Mayhem
by RedEyedWarrior
Summary: If you thought the drama for a contestant ended after their elimination, think again. This fic deals with the lives of the Total Drama contestants AFTER they've been eliminated. This applies to all seasons.
1. TDI - Pt 1

**This idea came to me after watching over the first six episodes of **_**Total Drama Island**_**. *sighs*, it brings back painful memories of Noah's poor performance, but at least it's reminiscent of the better Courtney, the less-of-an-asshole Duncan and the better Bridgette, DJ, Gwen and Geoff. It also reminded me of how Trent sounds like when he talks (for a year of two, I thought he sounded a bit more like Owen, but not as nasally and stupid-sounding). So anyway, enjoy this story… or at least try not to get nightmares from reading it.**

**DISCLAIMER: I'm not mature enough to own **_**Total Drama**_**. Enough said.**

* * *

Ezekiel sighed miserably as he got off the Boat of Losers and dragged his luggage to his hotel room. The staff, especially most of the female staff, were giving him dirty looks. This caused the poor prairie boy to break down and burst into tears. The staff members realised that they were being too hard on him, and started feeling sorry for him.

Ezekiel explained that his sexist ideas came from his father, who raised him to believe that males were stronger, better at sports and smarter than females. Another influence in those strange beliefs was the fact that Ezekiel's older sister used to watch those inappropriate TV shows like _Tool Academy_, _Jersey Shore_ and _Toddles and Tiaras_, and Ezekiel occasionally found himself watching those abnormal shows. Feeling sorry for him, the staff gave Ezekiel a lecture about the importance of gender equality.

A few days later, Eva arrived at Playa des Losers. She was pissed off. Unfortunately, Ezekiel was standing at the dock, ready to apologise for his sexist remarks.

"Hey Eva!" Ezekiel called out. "Listen, I'm-"

"YOU!" Eva roared. "YOU ARE ABOUT TO LEARN A NEW DEFINITION OF PAIN, YOU SEXIST LITTLE PRICK!"

"Wait Eva, I-"

"I'LL CRUSH YOUR SKULL!" Eva bellowed. Ezekiel realised that there was no point in apologising to her. She was never going to listen to him; not in a million years. He turned to run. Eva ran after him. Sadly, Eva finally caught up with him, beat him up and dragged him kicking and screaming into the hotel. The staff were either too terrified to intervene, or they assumed that Ezekiel ticked her off again and that he deserved it.

* * *

The next day, Noah arrived at the resort. He smiled and mused: "Wow, so I guess Chris _wasn't_ lying about a five-star resort after all."

"Well too bad it's gonna be your five-star prison!" a voice threatened. Noah turned to face Eva.

"Can I help you?" he wondered, hoping that she wasn't going to need his help, because he obviously had no interest in helping Eva.

"THE KILLER BASS WON!" Eva roared.

Noah clapped his hands and rolled his eyes. "Bravo, you've finally found out just know despite the fact that I've been here for a minute and that we were never on the same team," he sneered. Eva grunted and punched Noah in the face.

"Ow," Noah deadpanned.

"THE REAL REASON I SAID THAT THE KILLER BASS WON WAS BECAUSE THEY WON ON THE FIRST EPKISODE AFTER MY UNJUST ELIMINATION!" Eva roared.

"Yeah, and I wonder why that is the case," Noah mused. Eva boxed the snarky bookworm in the stomach.

"YEAH, AND IT WAS BECAUSE YOU WERE TOO LAZY TO PULL YOUR WEIGHT TODAY! ALL YOU DID WAS SIT ON YOUR ASS AND LET THOSE SHOWER OF WANKERS BETTER KNOWN AS THE KILLER BASS WIN! AND FOR THAT, I'M GOING TO TEACH YOU A LESSON YOU'LL NEVER FORGET!" With that, Eva snatched Noah by the arms and dragged him kicking and screaming into the hotel. She led him to the attic and fired him inside. She slammed the door shut and locked it.

"Perfect," Noah sneered. He turned and saw Ezekiel. "Let me guess," Noah mused, "you ticked Eva of again, right?"

"Noo, I tried too apologise, eh," Ezekiel explained. "Boot she refoosed to listen, eh."

"Why am I not surprised?!" Noah sneered. "But why haven't the staff intervened yet?!"

"They still think I'm sexist, eh," Ezekiel replied. "Either that, or they're too scared with Eva."

Fortunately, it was apparent that the last one was the truth. Otherwise Justin's looks would've been enough for the staff to intervene and prevent Eva from locking the model in the attic… and Noah and Ezekiel would never have been locked in there to begin with. Eva was ticked off that Justin lasted longer than her, but he managed to use his looks to manipulate her into handling him gently. All she did, really, was carry Justin over her shoulder, put him down and gently shoved him into the attic.

"NO! NO! LET ME OUT!" Justin begged, pounding on the door. "BEING IN THE ATTIC FOR LONGER THAN FIVE MINUTES IS DETRIMENTAL TO MY HEALTH!"

"Good luck man, but it's not gonna work," Noah pointed out. "This is Eva we're talking about."

"Oh," said Justin. Then he burst into tears.

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!" wailed Justin.

"It's ooh-kay, Justin, yoo'll always be booty-full, eh," Ezekiel assured him.

Justin stopped crying. "Y-you really t-think so?" he sniffled up.

"Really, eh." Justin pulled the prairie boy into a tight bear-hug.

"Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!" beamed Justin.

Noah rolled his eyes. "Great, now I'm going to cry," he murmured.

* * *

Katie showed up two days later. Being separated from Sadie was bad enough, but being on an island with a psychopath like Eva? That was too much. Needless to say, Eva was looking forward to the moment the next Killer Bass teammate set foot on Playa des Losers.

"YOU!" roared Eva. "YOU WERE ONE OF THE BACKSTABBING TRAITORS THAT VOTED ME OFF!" Katie broke down in more tears and begged for Eva's mercy, but it was to no avail, so she ended up thrown into the attic covered in bruises. Ezekiel was there to comfort her.

"It'll be ooh-kay, eh," Ezekiel assured the wonder twin, holding her tightly.

"Oh, Ezekiel!" sobbed Katie, crying into the prairie dude's shoulder.

The next day was less dramatic, because Tyler, who just happened to be on a boat filled with chickens, scurried out the boat and all the way to the attic to hide. He basically avoided Eva's wrath… until she burst into the attic a few minutes later.

"OH, I'M NOT FINISHED WITH YOU!" Eva shrieked, grabbing Tyler by the neck and shoving a chicken into his mouth. Tyler spat the chicken out and scrambled to a corner in the room, where the talentless jock curled up into a foetal position.

"S-so m-many ch-chick-chickens!" Tyler spluttered as Eva marched out of the room and slammed and locked the door behind her.

* * *

**So what do you guys think? Did you like it, or did you think it sucked? The next chapter will have much more unexpected twists in it. Oh yeah, and I am going to cover ALL seasons. Each will have four chapters, except **_**Revenge of the Island**_**, which will have only two or three episodes. I don't need to tell you why, heh-heh. I warn you, some of the chapters may freak the living Hell out of you, and some may surprise you so much, you'll jump out of your skin.**

**Share your thoughts in your reviews. Cheers!**


	2. TDI - Pt 2

**This fic turned out better than I expected. As with my other stories, I wrote this from the top of my head, so I wasn't fully sure if readers were going to like it. Also, at least one of the characters act out of character in this chapter, and this chapter contains a few statements that may upset you.**

* * *

The next day, Eva was disappointed that no-one was eliminated, so she took all of her anger out on her hostages again.

Eva forced Ezekiel to wear a dress, put on makeup and give everyone else in the room a lap dance. Noah was forced to read all of the _Twilight_ books and write a four page essay on each book. Katie was forced to tear a picture of her and Sadie to pieces and set them on fire. Tyler was forced to make love to a live chicken, which bit his… unmentionables. Naturally, Eva went easy on Justin… or so she thought! Eva stripped Justin out of his clothes and licked his every part of his body.

The next day, Eva went for a swim in the lake. She found Cody in his wheelchair and dragged him to the dock. While Cody was relieved to have been rescued, he immediately began to wish he was left to drown in the lake when he realised who his saviour was. Eva, wrongly assuming that Cody was eliminated in Up the Creek and was hiding from her, ripped Cody out of his body cast and mauled him further. She realised that Cody's injuries were faked, so Eva mauled him again before firing him into the attic.

"Wow, what happened to you?" Noah wondered, pretending to care.

"Eva…" Cody heaved, "beat… the… shit… out… of… me!"

"So, why were you eliminated?" Noah asked.

"I… was… eliminated… for… being… in… a… wheelchair!" Cody heaved.

"Whoa, what happened to ya, eh?" Ezekiel wondered.

Cody stopped heaving, enabling him to speak coherently. "I didn't really get injured," Cody explained. "I was in the woods, where I encountered a bear. He did beat me up, but he left me alone after taking the blueberries I found… and my fifty dollars. But I wanted to be put in a body cast to make it look like I fought the bear so the ladies would think I was brave and come swarming at me," Cody smiled. "Sadly, that didn't work. My team actually thought I was severely injured, so they voted me off instead of Heather, heh-heh."

"Well you're injured now," Noah deadpanned. "Was yesterday's challenge a reward challenge or what?" he asked. "Not like I care thought," he added.

"Either Izzy or Lindsay was supposed to be eliminated, but the RCMP showed up to arrest Izzy and Izzy ran off into the woods to escape," said Cody. Noah rolled his eyes. Cody looked over at Katie sobbing, and at Tyler and Justin, who were both curled up into foetal positions in the same corner of the room.

"What's wrong with them?" Cody wondered.

"Have you seen that _South Park _episode, "_Chickenlover"_?" Noah asked.

"Yeah."

"Well, that's what happened to Tyler," Noah replied, "except he didn't do it out of his own free will. Justin's ordeal would probably be similar to what happened to one of Duncan's cellmates in Juvie, or what happened to Duncan while he was in Juvie, the latter of the too probably being the most likely. Katie was forced to tear to shreds and burn the remains of a photograph of her and Sadie together. Ezekiel was forced to give us all lap dances in drag, and I was forced to read some cheap vampire pornography. Ezekiel and I recovered relatively well from our ordeals, but I'd be especially sympathetic to Katie, Tyler and Justin."

Cody nodded and went up to console Tyler and Justin, while Ezekiel went back to consoling Katie.

* * *

Beth arrived the next day. Let's just say that the moment the farm girl stepped onto the dock was the moment she realised that Heather was not the most dangerous person on _Total Drama_. Beth was thrown into the attic in the same manner Cody was thrown in. Speaking of which, she noticed Cody was no longer in his body cast.

"Gosh, Cody, did Eva hurt you?!" Beth gasped.

"Yes," Cody sighed. "She ripped me from my body cast. Oh yeah, and I have a confession to make."

* * *

Chris stepped onto the dock and was immediately puzzled at how desolate the resort was. He strolled into the reception and turned to the secretary and asked: "Excuse me, where are the losers?"

The secretary began to panic. "Losers?! What losers?!" she shrieked.

Chris frowned. "They're in trouble, aren't day?" he deadpanned. The secretary snapped.

"EVA KIDNAPPED THEM AND LOCKED THEM ALL UP IN THE ATTIC!" she wailed. "WE WERE TOO SCARED TO INTERVENE!"

"Of course you were," Chris smirked, heading for the attic. The opened the door and went up the stairs to see Noah reading his book with a bored expression on his face, Ezekiel and Katie having a conversation, Justin and Tyler still in their foetal positions and Beth beating the shit out of Cody with an inflatable bat that she found somewhere in the attic.

"I don't believe you!" Beth shrieked. "Lying to us like that?! Are you out of your mind?! Do you not realise how worried sick you've had us?!" Chris rolled his eyes and got out a megaphone.

"ATTENTION LOSERS! YOU ARE TO LEAVE THIS ATTIC IMMEDIATELY!" Noah, Katie, Ezekiel and Beth cheered as they left the room. Cody smiled as he crawled out of the room. Chris gave him perplexed looks. Chris had to roll Tyler and Justin out of the room, but they fell down the stairs and sustained several bruises as a result.

Of course, Eva wasn't happy with the change. She ran up to Chris and screamed: "WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?! WHY HAVE YOU SET THOSE TRAITORS FREE?!"

Chris smiled and said: "Because I felt like it. But tell ya what; you can return to the competition when it reaches the merge."

"Really?" Eva wondered.

"Really," Chris replied. "But until then…" Chris shoved Eva onto the ground, ran down the stairs, closed the door shut and locked it. Eva ran down to the door and pounded on it.

"I DEMAND YOU LET ME OUT!" she bellowed.

"Relax, Eva, there's enough water, bread and toilet paper to keep you going," said Chris. "Plus, the attic has an en-suite bathroom for some reason."

"I NEED TO USE THE GYM!" screamed Eva.

Chris flashed his signature toothy grin. "Well it's not my problem."

* * *

Chris took Katie on the boat with him back to Camp Wawanakwa. When they arrived, he asked her to stay on the boat. A few minutes later, Sadie, who just got eliminated, showed up. The wonder twins squealed and hugged each other.

While Katie and Sadie were happy to be reunited, Ezekiel went into the TV room and became addicted to the rap music channel. Tyler and Justin received counselling and they finally got over their ordeals; Tyler went back to playing sports – and getting injured in the process – while Justin went back to showing off and looking at himself in the mirror. Noah was happy to be able to read the rest of his books and be alone. Beth stopped beating up Cody and Cody got cleaned up by the nurses. Chris refused to press charges against Beth as punishment for faking his injuries, but Cody didn't care. Beth's feistiness turned him on.

Additionally, Chris replaced the staff with people who can stand up to Eva and who act based on morals rather than fear and being overall pansies. The former staff where thrown in the same attic as Eva. No one ever heard from them again.

* * *

"I AM A COUNSELLOR-IN-TRAINING! I REFUSE TO GET OFF THE BOOT!" Chef ignored Courtney's protests and he kicked her off the boat. Courtney landed on the dock in a heap. She stood up, dusted herself, raised her fist and shook it as Chef drove off.

"COME BACK HERE YOU IGNORANT BASTARD!" she roared after him. Of course, Chef ignored her and the Boat of Losers disappeared into the horizon.

Noah stopped reading his book by the pool. He looked up at Courtney and said: "Oh great, another Eva." Courtney flipped him off and marched off to her hotel room to cool off. A few minutes later, the word "Harold" could be heard all around Playa des Losers at a volume of 120 decibels.

The next day, Harold arrived at Playa des Losers. He was dazed and exhilarated after having kissed LeShawna and seen Heather's boobs. He looked forward to getting some relaxation.

Unfortunately, it was apparent that Harold wasn't going to get any sort of relaxation anytime soon when the lanky dweeb heard his name being bellowed all around Playa des Losers at a volume of 120 decibels. Harold dived into the bushes to hide.

* * *

**And so that wraps up chapter number two. If you were offended by some of the content of this story, I'm sorry. If you enjoyed this chapter, you'll surely enjoy the next one. Anyway, it's a lovely day outside, which is very rare where I'm from, so I must go and appreciate the sunshine, otherwise I might end up with less Vitamin D than Eva, Ezekiel or Noah.**


	3. TDI - Pt 3

**This chapter will be more disturbing than the last too… assuming many found those chapters to be disturbing. Well some didn't, so I'm going to disturb them. If you're faint-hearted, you might want to get out of here, heh-heh.**

* * *

Chris returned to Playa des Losers to see the former contestants doing their own thing. Beth was relaxing in the Jacuzzi with Justin, the latter being unaware of the former's presence. Ezekiel was rapping… or at least trying to rap. He was not very good at it, but he seemed to be unaware of this… or at least in denial of this. The prairie kid was following Noah around, thinking he was entertaining the bookworm with his 'raps'. Noah stopped walking, stood in front of Ezekiel, and kindly said:

"LOOK HOMESCHOOL, I'M NOT INTERESTED IN RAP! FUCK OFF!"

Ezekiel looked taken aback at first. Then he shrugged. "Whatever in the hizzle fo-shizzle, eh!" he replied. He went over to Courtney and 'sang':

_"B,_

_"To the A,_

_"To the S,_

_"To the T,_

_"To the A,_

_"To the R,_

_"To the D! Word."_

Courtney turned on her chainsaw that she was holding and raised it above her head. "Ezekiel, I swear to God I will dismember you if you don't fuck off and leave me alone!" she threatened. That was enough for Ezekiel to run over to Chris in fright. Courtney saw him and snarled.

"THERE YOU ARE, CHRIS! I JUST FOUND OUT THAT IT WAS HAROLD WHO RIGGED THE VOTES AGAINST ME! CAN I KILL HIM?!" Chris walked over to her and shook his head.

"Seriously, Courtney?!" he demanded, snatching the chainsaw out of the CIT's hand and turning it off. "Attempting to slaughter a contestant?! While there is no camera recording this?!"

"I was cheated off the competition by that dweeb!" Courtney protested.

"Yeah, well I can't say I blame Harold," Chris smirked. "Duncan, DJ and Geoff were bullying him. You did stand up for him earlier in the episode you were eliminated in, but after you got hooked up with Duncan, you stopped caring that he and his friends were torturing Harold, and you even voted him out. We could tell by the evil glare you were giving him that you voted him out. Our indifference towards your wrongful elimination sure sends a signal to the viewing world that we do not approve of bullying."

"Bull," Courtney scowled, "shit!"

"Okay, you got me," Chris jeered, "Harold is just more well-liked than you. Well, later!" He entered the hotel, ignoring the death threats Courtney was screaming at him with. Inside the hotel, he could see the new staff doing their jobs effortlessly. I mean, why wouldn't they?! They've just started watching Total Drama and they've instantly became fans of the show. Cody and Tyler were enjoying the massages they were receiving. They were a huge help for the two fellas after being on the island and being imprisoned by Eva.

Speaking of which, Katie and Sadie were standing by the door to the attic, taking the piss out of Eva. Chris smirked and said:

"Katie. Sadie."

"Chris," they replied in unison.

"I'm going to let Eva out," said Chris. "But not to worry; I'm taking her with me."

"Who got eliminated this time?" Sadie wondered.

"Was it Heather? I hope Heather got eliminated!" Katie agreed.

"Oh my gosh, like, me too!" Sadie beamed.

"Well you two girls would probably want to skedaddle," Chris chortled. "I'm pretty sure Eva's ticked off at you girls by now. And by ticked off, I mean, ready to kill you girls and probably have some funny business with your corpses."

"That would be, like, so totally gross," Katie gabbed.

"Oh my gosh, like, definitely gross," Sadie agreed. The two girls skipped off to their room, hand in hand. Chris couldn't help but think to himself out loud:

"Seriously, are they best friends or more than that?! But for now, let's see if this tranquilizer gun is effective!" Chris chirped. He instructed an intern that he brought alone to unlock and open the door, to which the intern complied. Sadly, this resulted in the unfortunate intern's untimely demise. Eva burst out the door, pounced on the intern and ripped his head clean off his neck. Eva popped the head into her mouth and munched on it, which sounded as if she was eating glass. Chris aimed the tranquilizer gun at the fitness buff and fired. Eva was knocked out cold.

Out of curiosity, Chris decided to check the attic to see what has happened to his former staff. Much to the host's horror – and secretly, amusement as well – all that remained of the former staff members were skulls, bones, and ribs among other things. It looked like Eva ate all of the flesh clean off the bones. The teeth were ripped out of the skulls, and most of the organs, such as the eyes, brains and livers, looked like they were bitten into. The stomachs and the bladders were definitely ripped, as Chris can clearly see the hydrochloric acid, urine and undigested food lying all over the place. Some of the recently deceased staff members' faeces were smeared all over the wall, to form phrases such as "ROT IN HELL, MCLEAN" and "KATIE AND SADIE MUST DIE!" among other obscene phrases. Chris couldn't help but chuckle at this. Boy was he glad he had a CCTV camera installed? He couldn't wait until he could go over the footage.

Anyway, Chris had Eva dragged outside by two interns. Courtney witness this and ran up to Chris to demand what the meaning of this was.

"Okay, Chris, explain!" Courtney demanded.

"Hmm?" Chris's ears pricked up.

"Why are the interns taking Eva away?"

"To have a second shot in the competition!" Chris smirked, as if the answer was obvious.

"How come I didn't get a second shot?!" Courtney demanded.

"Simple," said Chris, "I don't like you and Duncan being together."

"WHAT?!"

"You're too good for him," Chris smirked. "He would make a good personal gigolo, but no, not a good boyfriend." He winked at the CIT. Courtney could immediately see where he was getting at.

"PERVE!" Courtney slapped Chris on the pace.

"Ooh, feisty," Chris smirked. He joined the interns and Eva on the boat. "LATER, COURTNEY!" Chris called out. Courtney scowled at him and gave him the finger. On one hand, she thought he was a pervert. On the other hand, however, she couldn't help but ponder this whole situation through. Nevertheless, the CIT shrugged it off in favour of searching for Harold, so she could kill him.

* * *

A few hours later, Eva was brought back to Playa des Losers, screaming out obscenities from the bottom of her lungs. Thankfully, she was put in a straitjacket. Chef kicked her onto the dock, along with her weights and the corpses of the two interns from earlier that day. Needless to say, none of the contestants were surprised by Eva's early return. Chef assured them that no one – other than the interns, of course – was killed. The staff decided that the fitness buff has been punished enough. So two staff members came up to Eva, sedated her with an injection and carried her body into the hotel.

* * *

**Okay, so maybe the first season is not going to be divided into four parts. It will be divided into five instead, and if not, six. I just wanted to create a bit more suspense. Oh yeah, and that Chrisney moment was for I'll Cover Angel and Collins. I'm beginning to like this pairing. What can I say? I like my crack pairings to be weird and random. So, yeah… ahem, moving on!**

**Next chapter will feature the arrival of you-know-who, who will have an obsession with you-know-what! That was another deciding factor in making the first season a five-part section. The 22****nd**** episode will not be featured because we've already seen that, although we will see LeShawna after her elimination, and how she's handling it.**


	4. TD - Pt 4

**So far, I've gotta say, I'm liking how quickly this story is escalating. Speaking of escalating, one of the characters utters a few curse words in this story, some of them being very inappropriate. This will be the only time this fic strays into the M-territory. If you get offended, I'm sorry. So any-who… HERE IT IS!**

* * *

The boat arrived at the dock. A sad Trent stepped onto the dock. Noah was sitting by the pool, reading his book, when he noticed a sad expression on Trent's face. "Whoa, what happened to you?" he asked.

"Heather happened," Trent replied. He told Noah, and everyone else at the resort except Eva because they were all hanging at the pool area, what happened. This made everyone hate Heather more.

"And you know what's the worst part?!" Trent griped. "The worst part is that I failed to make it to the final nine!"

Everyone gave him perplexed looks. "The final nine?" asked Beth, raising an eyebrow.

"Yes, the final nine," said Trent. "I promised the Ninth God that I would be the ninth person to be introduced by Chris on Total Drama Island. I promised the Ninth God that I would outlast nine other contestant. And I promised the Ninth God that I would make it to the final nine."

"Well, you did keep the first two promises," said Cody brightly. "But who is the Ninth God?" he asked.

Trent glared at Cody. "What are you, some kind of pagan or something?!" he demanded.

"No, I'm Catholic," said Cody.

"Catholicism is a pagan religion!" Trent snapped. "You'd better convert to the Number Nine Religion before you end up in the Place Devoid of the Number Nine!"

"Dude, nobody is a follower of your Number Nine… whatever this is," Noah assured Trent.

"Seriously, is it true that most of you guys are pagans?!" Trent demanded. Everyone awkwardly looked at one another and nodded. Trent sighed relentlessly nine times before he said: "You guys must have horrible parents for bringing you guys up as pagans! You guys should be followers of the Number Nine Religion if you want to go to Land of Nine Heavens!"

"Why would we want to go there?!" Courtney demanded.

"Because if you don't go to the Land of Nine Heavens, you'll end up in the Place Devoid of the Number Nine!" Trent screamed.

"And your point is?" said Courtney, folding her arms.

"MY POINT IS THAT THERE IS NO NINE IN THE PLACE DEVOID OF THE NUMBER NINE!" roared Trent. "The number, Nine, would not exist if it weren't for the Ninth God! Therefore, without the Ninth God, _ten_ would come after eight, _twenty_ would come after eighteen, and _thirty_ would come after twenty-eight and so on! There would be _thirteen_ hours in an analogue clock but _twenty-five_ hours in a total day, and twenty-five cannot be divided into two by _any_ whole number, not even thirteen! And worst of all, _ten_ would be my lucky number instead of nine, AND I HATE TEN!"

"Okay, I'm just going to assume that the eight gods that preceded the Ninth God are just unimportant figureheads named after the planets of our solar system, is that correct?" Noah deadpanned.

"Yes," Trent, "the gods are Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune and the Ninth God!"

"Okay, why do I suddenly care why Pluto lost its status as a planet back in 2006?" Noah deadpanned.

Trent smiled proudly. "Well, **now** there's a potential second prophet for the Number Nine Religion!" he beamed, beckoning to Noah before everyone else, all of whom were confused to no end. But Noah just rolled his eyes.

"No thanks," he spat, "I'm happy enough as a Muslim, thank you very much."

"A WHAT?!" shrieked Trent. "Noah, I will refuse to recognise Islam as a proper religion until it adds four more pillars!"

"You refuse to recognise Christianity, yet there are nine letters in the word 'Christian'," Noah shot back. "In fact, if you love nine so much, how come the handprint on your shirt has only **five** digits?"

"Because our hands only have **four** digits!" Trent snarled. "And it's all the writers' fault for being blasphemous heretics!"

"Okay, I'm done here," groaned Noah, closing his book shut and heading towards the hotel.

"Hey, get back here!" Trent ordered. "Nobody's leaving until I'm done preaching the word of the Ninth God!" Sadly, everyone has left the pool area. Trent sighed nine times and went off to find his room. Actually, Trent went in to Room 9, because he wanted that room, no matter what. He begged the staff nine times to put all of the personal belongings in Room 9 into Room 10, the room which Trent was assigned. Only because the staff were sick and tired of Trent being a nuisance and the fact that Room 9 was Eva's room did the staff finally gave in and gave Trent Room 9. After all, Eva wasn't using it because ever since Eva returned to Playa des Losers she's been busy taking anger management classes. As you can see, Eva was not allowed to finish until the shrinks saw signs of improvement, so now wonder Room 9 was unused.

* * *

Bridgette showed up. Like Trent, she wasn't happy about her elimination, mostly because Geoff ran off at the last second before he was about to kiss her (although she couldn't blame him for that). Plus, the guys voted her out for the sake of an alliance, and she had a feeling Heather and Lindsay were involved for strategic reasons. She really hated Duncan. She really hoped Courtney broke up with him.

Speaking of which, there was Courtney, still looking for Harold. Courtney stopped what she was doing and waved at Bridgette.

"Hey Bridgette!" she called out. Bridgette smiled and waved back.

"Hey Courtney!" she replied.

"Why were you eliminated? You had so much potential."

"The teams dissolved the day after Harold was eliminated," said Bridgette. "The girls started to outnumber the guys, so the guys formed an alliance and I was their first target. I assume Heather and Lindsay voted with them, because even if Geoff did vote me out, it would still be impossible for them to eliminate me."

"I'm sure it was just strategy, but then again, if that was me, I'd rip their heads off," said Courtney. "I have to tell you something: I was unfairly voted out because Harold tampered with the votes."

"I guess that explains how you were voted out despite Duncan's alliance with Geoff and DJ," said Bridgette. "So have you talked this through with him?"

"Not yet. He's still hiding from me."

"I'll be happy to arrange for you two to meet up and settle your differences if you want."

"No thanks, I'm good," said Courtney. She decided to hang out with Bridgette. She needed a break from Harold. But little did Bridgette realise was that Courtney wanted to kill him. She wasn't finished with him.

* * *

Lindsay arrived at the Playa. Unlike her predecessors, Lindsay looked happy and relaxed about her elimination.

"What are you so happy about?" Katie wondered.

"Heather may have betrayed me, but I finally stood up to her afterwards," beamed Lindsay. "I called her a fucking ass-hat bitch-c*** of a whore, and everyone else cheered me on!"

"OMG, you are so awesome!" Sadie squealed.

"Like, TOTALLY awesome!" Katie squealed.

"I know, right?!" Lindsay squealed.

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Katie, Sadie and Lindsay squealed in unison.

"Lindsay?" a certain, familiar voice called out. Lindsay turned towards the direction of where the voice came from.

"Tyler?" Lindsay replied. She gasped and shrieked in delight. "TYLER!" she shrieked, running up to Tyler, as Tyler ran up to her. They endured a long embrace as Tyler swung his girlfriend around. They had a French kiss, which prompted all the girls – even Eva and Courtney – to 'aw', and all the guys – even Noah – to whoop.

After the hugging and kissing, Lindsay paused and asked, "Wait, which one of you is Tyler again?" This prompted everyone on the island – especially Eva, Courtney and Noah – to face-palm.

* * *

DJ was the next to arrive. Like Lindsay, the brick-house was rather content with his elimination. He looked over at all of his former competitors. They were all lounging in the pool area. Courtney and Bridgette were receiving massages from masseuses. Eva was having a row with Trent because Trent stole her nine dumbbells; the only reason Trent did that was if there were nine of anything they were Trent's for the taking. Beth and Justin were tanning with the sharks. Cody was watching some porn on a laptop. Katie and Sadie were in the hot-tub, squealing non-stop. Ezekiel was standing beside Noah, rapping, much to Noah's chagrin.

_"B,_

_"To the A,_

_"To the S,_

_"To the T,_

_"To the A,_

_"To the R,_

_"To the D! Word! Eh!"_

Noah looked up from his book and turned to face Ezekiel. "Excuse me Zeke, I know you think you're a great rapper, but the sad reality is: you're not. A rap is a ballad, sung by people who have emerged from childhoods that were far more difficult than average, or by people who have emerged form really pleasant experiences. You, on the other hand, came from a childhood that was neither pleasant nor unpleasant, in other words, dull and boring. Rapping does not automatically make you a gangster, and a gangster is someone who **sells** drugs, not someone who **take** drugs. And they certainly don't go around acting all cool and ghetto. So please find something to do that you're good at." But Ezekiel just smiled and said:

"Sweet, eh! Yoo were bein' oonplesant to me, eh! Noo I've gotta anova reason too be a rappa, eh!" He walked off, leaving Noah to regret giving the prairie kid that lecture. Just as Noah went back to reading his book, Harold popped his head out of the bushes and asked:

"Did you know that the word 'bastard' is the old English term for an illegitimate child?"

"Regardless of whether you're legitimate or not, you're still going to be referred to as a bastard by your peers," Noah quipped.

"Did you know that the ice cream you see in commercials are actually potatoes covered in sauce?" Harold gabbed.

"Oh, so that's why ice cream looks so much better in person," Noah quipped, still not looking up from his book.

"Did you know that the more a local radio station plays country music, the higher the local area's suicide rate climbs?" Harold gabbed.

"Did you know that the more Noah listens to Harold, the greater the number of chances of Noah going insane?" Noah quipped.

"Did you know that-"

"Look Harold," Noah interjected, turning his head to face Harold, scowling, "I'm not interested in listening to your 'enlightening' facts anymore. Now piss off before I call Courtney over." That was enough to have Harold scramble back into the bushes.

Tyler and Lindsay were making out on one of the loungers. Lindsay paused and said: "Wait, are you Tyler?" She shrugged and went back to kissing Tyler.

Everyone stopped what they were doing and said in unison: "HEY DJ!" They all went up to hug him, even Harold.

"Aw, you guys really missed me!" DJ beamed.

"Of course we would!" Sadie beamed.

"You're so nice!" Beth added.

Sadly, this sentimental moment was cut short when Courtney and Eva realised that Harold and Trent were also participating in the group hug.

"THERE YOU ARE, YOU LITTLE TRAITOR!" Courtney shrieked, chasing after Harold. Before Eva decided to continue giving out to Trent, she turned to Bridgette, who was trying to sneak away, and said:

"Hey surfer girl, c'mere, I want to talk to ya." Bridgette nervously walked up to the fitness buff. To her surprise, Eva held out her hand.

"Sorry," said Eva. "I'm sorry for jumping to conclusions and making your life a living Hell."

Bridgette took Eva's hand in hers and shook it. "It's okay. Sorry for voting you out before the dodge-ball challenge," she replied.

"Yeah, I can see why you guys did it, but just pray that Heather doesn't come here. I most go apologise to everyone else for looking them up in the attic and get my weights back from Trent," said Eva, leaving a confused Bridgette to figure out what she meant about praying that Heather won't show up at Playa des Losers. Suddenly, it occurred to the surfer chick that Heather stole Eva's MP3-player. This gave Bridgette another reason to hate Heather, and she could not wait to tell everyone the news.

* * *

"AIEEEEEE-EEEEEEE-EEEEE!" shrieked Izzy as she swung from a vine that was hanging from an unknown source and landing into the pool, causing a splash that soaked Noah, Tyler, Cody and Ezekiel.

"Why don't you get our clothes wet?" Noah deadpanned.

"Okay!" Izzy chirped, dragging the boys into the pool with her. Izzy jumped out of the pool and saw that Trent and Eva were still having a row over Eva's dumbbells. Izzy cartwheeled over to them, jumped up a few metres into the air and landed on Eva's shoulders.

"So whatcha guys fightin' over?!" Izzy chirped. "Did you confess that you have feelings for Gwen too, Eva?!"

"I'LL KILL YOU, SCARY GIRL!" Eva roared, as Izzy jumped off of the fitness buff's shoulders and ran into the hotel, cackling, as Eva chased her. Trent smiled because he finally has the chance to have sex with Eva's nine dumbbells.

* * *

By the time Geoff arrived at Playa des Losers, everyone was already furious with Heather. Bridgette was the first to great Geoff. Geoff ran up to her, scooped her up in his arms and kissed her on the lips.

"Oh, Bridgette, I'm so sorry for bailing on you at the last second before kissing you!" he apologised.

"It's okay, Geoff!" she replied. "Now we have a chance to be together!"

"I love you Bridgey-bear!"

"I love you too, Geoffy-poo!"

Everyone witnessing this whooped and cheered. Only Harold, Eva and Izzy were not witnessing this poignant reunion. Harold, who has narrowly managed to escape Courtney's wrath, was still in hiding. Izzy lured Eva into the attic the night before, where she was shifting Eva.

* * *

**That was a very long chapter to write. The longest chapter I have written so far. At least we got to see Trent's number nine obsession. Finally, Eva has calmed down… until the next chapter! By the time Heather shows up… it won't be pleasant, heh-heh. Anyway, next chapter will be the final chapter for season one. After that, it's second season, and the most controversial season of the series.**

**Next week I'll probably be at work, so updates will be less common. I'll still try to update **_**Total Drama: Island Renewed**_**, **_**My Big Fat Creepy Roommate**_** and **_**Rise of the Planet of the Nine**_**, though.**

**Until next time!**


	5. TDI - Pt 5

**Holy shit, I haven't updated in twenty-five days! Well, this happens more often during the college semesters but this is summer! Oh well. Enough chit-chat. Time to cut to the hilarity and insanity.**

* * *

LeShawna marched over to the pool where all of the former contestants were sitting, having anxiously awaited her arrival. To say that the strong-willed girl was angry would be an understatement.

"Okay! Why was I voted out?! Why not Heather?!" LeShawna demanded.

Bridgette stood up and said: "Look, we wanted to vote out Heather, but it turned out that if you mentioned someone's name, that counted as one vote towards the person. Everyone kept saying your name by mistake because two people wanted you here and this prompted some of us to correct them, accidentally saying your name in the process."

"Plus, a stupid parrot had a say in the vote as well," Courtney added.

"AND YOU VOTED FOR LESHAWNA!" Harold whinged.

"I DID THAT BY MISTAKE WHILE I WAS CORRECTING THE RETARDS!" Courtney roared. "YOU SAID HER NAME AS WELL!" Harold punched Courtney in the face. Courtney punched Harold in the balls. Soon enough, both fell into the pool, fighting each other to the death.

"Okay, so who were the two people wanted me here?!" LeShawna demanded. Then she realised that Katie and Sadie were not present. LeShawna rolled her eyes and said:

"Those girls watch far too much Disney and MTV." Everyone nodded in agreement. LeShawna went up to the fighting Courtney and Harold and pulled them out of the pool.

"Okay, why are you two fighting?!" LeShawna demanded.

"She beat me up with a lamppost! IDIOT!" Harold whinged.

"He tampered with the votes so I was unfairly eliminated!" Courtney whinged.

"She used to stand up for me when Duncan was bullying me, but then she hooked up with him and took his side against me! GOSH!" Harold whinged.

"Well he's… well, he's… he's Harold!" Courtney whinged.

LeShawna rolled her eyes. "Okay, let me solve this fight once and for all. Courtney: Harold had a reason to vote you out. Duncan was bullying him to no end and because Duncan wanted to leave this island Harold thought the only way to get back at him was to vote you out."

"But-" Courtney protested.

"I'm not finished. You knew very well that that criminal was picking on Harold. Yet that didn't stop you from hooking up with him. While I wish you the best with that creep, that relationship posed another threat to Harold. You date a bully, you become a bully to the bully's victims."

"Not to mention, you treated me like shit even though I was the only reason we won the third and fourth challenges! IDIOT!" Harold cut in.

"I'm sorry! But why couldn't you just vote out DJ and Geoff?!" Courtney demanded. "They bullied you more and DJ was supposed to be the nice guy! And Geoff was supposed to get along with everyone! And they are good friends with Duncan!"

"It doesn't matter, because DJ and Geoff realised what idiots they were and apologised to me yesterday!" Harold snapped.

Courtney was livid. "YOU FOUND HAROLD AND YOU DIDN'T TELL ME?!" she shrieked at DJ and Geoff.

Geoff and DJ hid behind Bridgette. "Bridgette made us apologise to Harold, and she made us keep his whereabouts a secret from you!" Geoff yelped.

"Don't kill us!" DJ yelped.

"Bridgette, is this true?" Courtney asked.

"It is," Bridgette admitted. "Harold did nothing wrong in the first place, yet he got no respect from us, even after everything he's done for us."

"Fine. You make a point," Courtney admitted. She turned to Harold and said: "Sorry for treating you like shit."

"It's okay, Courtney," Harold replied. "It's not your fault you're stupid."

Everyone gasped in unison, except Noah. Noah was too amused by what Harold said to gasp. Even LeShawna and Bridgette were gasping.

"WHAT?!" demanded Courtney.

"Isn't it obvious?" Harold pointed out. "You think being a CIT is more important than having mad skills. Only an idiot would agree with that. Plus I have an IQ of 169."

"Izzy has an IQ of 188!" Izzy chirped.

"I'm pretty sure it's just 88," Harold corrected her. "You're too idiotic to have an IQ of over a hundred."

"SEE WHY WE TORTURED HIM?!" shrieked DJ, bursting into tears. "HE TREATED US LIKE IDIOTS AND CALLED ME A RETARD FOR BELIEVING IN SANTA!" DJ ran off to his room to cry.

"You know what, Harold?!" Courtney scowled. "I'm not sorry for treating you like shit! I'm sorry for letting you live!" She withdrew an AK-47 and proceeded to chase Harold around the Playa while firing bullets at him. Each bullet missed him, but Courtney was still determined. Nobody, not even Bridgette, decided to intervene, now that they're realised what Harold is really like.

LeShawna rolled her eyes. "LeHarold will never be a thing," she murmured.

* * *

The next day Duncan arrived at Playa des Losers. Duncan was pissed off as usual, but was happy to realise that if he was to stay at some resort for the remainder of the show, this means that he'll be able to see Courtney again. Naturally, Duncan refused to let this show, so he pretended to be grumpy in case anyone decided to give him a hug.

"HAROLD! HAROLD!" Without realising it, Duncan's face lit up.

Then Harold ran into him and the two of them fell into the water. Courtney dived in after them, but because she was oblivious to Duncan's return, she dived in to kill Harold rather than to save Duncan. Speaking of which, a really grumpy Duncan grabbed hold of the dock and climbed up onto the surface. He was so furious that his girlfriend did not recognise him he decided to go off and shag someone behind her back as revenge. Duncan found Katie and Sadie hiding in the bushes from LeShawna and said:

"Hey bitches, wanna have a three way?" Katie and Sadie squealed in unison as they pulled Duncan in.

* * *

Heather arrived at the Playa with only a few tuffs of hair sticking out from her scalp. She was still cursing and swearing about Chris. She stopped only to take a breath.

That is when she realised that everyone was standing on the dock. Apparently, Courtney still didn't get a chance to kill or maim Harold but that was because Bridgette told her that Duncan was in the Playa looking for her. She was oblivious to Duncan's make out session with the wonder twins because the threesome ended a few minutes before Duncan and Courtney found each other and Courtney assumed that the sweat came from the challenges he participated in. Anyway, all of the eighteen contestants that were eliminated before Heather (DJ was not participating) were all armed with swords, guns, pitchforks and torches, ready to beat the shit out of Heather.

"Oh fuck!" groaned Heather.

* * *

**I'm just going to leave it at that. We all know pretty much what's gonna happen next, and that Heather survives, of course.**

**Next chapter will focus on the contestants that did not qualify for **_**Total Drama Action**_** before Bridgette and Geoff are eliminated. We all know what happens in the finale of **_**Total Drama Island**_** and **_**Total Drama Drama Drama Drama Island**_**. And everything in between those two episodes can easily be explained as I go along in the next chapter.**

**There was not much insanity this chapter. Next chapter while have more of it.**

**Until next time!**


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